stop the emo and give thanks

You know it’s quite sad when I put down my thoughts only when things don’t go really well in my life..

First, congratulate myself for making it to today. Merv’s bday is over and boy I’m so glad for it. I managed to finish my scrap book and I have to say it made me proud of myself. I hope it does give some impact and encouragement to his life. He seems to be better nowadays, probably helps also that he hasn’t been in good terms with the ‘demon king’ so he’s kinda letting go those somewhat unwholesome friendship. But then again, I know him, it’s not the end. A heart that seeks to be approved and loved will always give its best to be approved and loved.

Many times I think to myself, does he really need a wife, aka me? Maybe. It’s just that I’m such a loyal supportive wife that I’m there with him by default. Honestly, it’s quite tiring to compete with his friends. Here I am again being emo.. well.. probably I was emo last night. But today I woke up and thought hey things are not that bad, don’t be silly. Anyway, I’ll just continue being who I am and probably, give my heart out a bit less.
People say being indifferent is bad, but I think it’s the best defense mechanism one could have.

Anyway, let’s try to recall all the good things that I can give thanks for, should end this post more cheerfully for my own sake.

Had a good time sitting on the swings at Raffles Place with Merv. Yeah finally the day came 🙂 And I appreciate how he wanted to spend his exact bday doing things to make me happy. See, I should really stop emo-ing.

We also went to JB with the LG and that’s kinda fun, probably because demon king was not really there. Besides the paintball that I skipped, we tried out archery and it’s a good thing to try something new in life. Within short time, we also bought a hiking bag (yay), a new backpack and a pair of usual buy vincci heels. Fruitful trip mwaha.

Lots of meet ups going on too within his bday week. Appreciate all the treats from Raph & Shirls, Roy & Shuz and I had a great talk with Germs over home-cooked food. Perhaps, I finally found an ally.

I was re-reading Nana lately (the manga) and somehow felt that hey it’s somewhat a bit like my life.. you know the whole Nana-Ren-Reira kind of relationship. Probably.
It’s really a pity that the author didn’t manage to complete it.

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the old bus is still moving

my mind is all jumbled up as the days are all jumbled up as well, just like the weather.

many things to look forward to. just as i’ve been preparing for my husband’s bday, i found myself doing things that i’ve never really done, which involves a number of DIY works.
i’m truly looking forward to that day, as it will probably close a chapter.

holiday is coming up in about 2 weeks time, which should be a good thing.

there are still many uncertainties, but in a way my mind is shutting down to any feelings. bcos whatever good or bad, what happen will happen, so why worry about tomorrow?

on a side note, staying awake has been quite a struggle lately. waking up late, falling asleep in the afternoon… even this post is typed as my eyes are half closing..
probably, i need that holiday more than i thought.

i will rise

It feels like we are taking turns feeling down. The other day he’s down, and then I was down yesterday and now he’s down again. Probably I should never feel down, cos me feeling down will just cause him feeling down. Cause and effect?

Anyway, I woke up feeling so shagged but hopeful. Not feeling as lousy anymore so I guess that’s good.
It’s nice to know that there’s someone who can actually identify with me and thus we probably can spur one another on.

Merv brought the idea of disappearing together, I shall assume that as migrating. Well, it does sound tempting at the moment, but not sure if it will actually help. If things go south, there will be no one else we can lean on and that’s scary.

The question he asked was why did God allow this to happen to us? I know the standard answer and I believe it. Things happen for a purpose and I truly want to believe that this is for a good purpose. We shall overcome it with much dependency on Him.

God.. please send someone who can break through his barrier.. I don’t know how.. but I want to believe.

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scriptwriter… why?!?

A story with so much potential to be epic yet wasted with so many loopholes and illogical decisions.
That’s what I think about ‘Warrior Baek Dong Soo’

What a waste!! Well, perhaps it’s just my own subjectivity, but I kinda wished things could have been done in a slightly different way, definitely a more compelling ending and love story needed. It’s so sad that everything just fell flat after all the greatness in the beginning of this drama. I guess once Sword Saint and Sky Lord died, it lost its charm.
Choi Min Soo rocks. I have to say, the more mature Ji Chang Wook (BDS) rocks too.

Oh well.

light at the end of the tunnel

Sometimes I wonder is it because I’ve been watching too many korean dramas that my life has become one as well?

Life has been strange. But for now, it’s still all great.

I had a really great fun release with Germs & Meimei last night, over the many many dishes which we couldn’t finish at the end at Sushi Tei. Germs said it right, it is time for her to spend time with friends and get out of her own depression, so to celebrate her bday, we really chilled and shared about everything from Fifty Shades of Grey (yeah the lady actually finished all 3 books and encouraging us to read it) and our own lives struggle..

It is such an encouragement as I was sharing that I was told that I am an inspiration for them to be a strong woman in the Lord. Hope in God to support me and pick me up whatever happens is the one that is holding me strong. Sounds churchy? Yes. But it is true.
All these years I’ve been pretty comfortable, but this truth does not change, from the days of my ICA struggle until now. God is faithful, and I want to hold on to that. I think without this faith, I have nothing to hold on to and I will perish.
Whatever goes down will have to come up eventually. With that faith, I shall prevail.
When I declare this out to someone, it is more like assuring myself, confirming it.

Will I still be feeling down and emotional about things? Definitely.
Can I overcome it? I dunno. But I will fight for it, cos life can be beautiful, if I say it is.

There are people who care for me. My life is not in vain.

self pity is optional… no?

My head hurts. my body aches.

2 days of church conference is a bag of mixed cookies. Ate some really yummy chocolate cookies, but sadly ended with eating a durian cookie and you know it’s bad cos i totally dislike durian.

I am not sure how to describe the mixed feelings.
assured – sian – touched – jaded.
I was pretty convinced that God told me something about moving on but now I’m not so sure anymore. Perhaps it was actually ME who’s telling myself to move on cos I just want to avoid certain things. When confrontation gets too difficult to bear, you move away. Isn’t it like a job? When you’re not happy with the boss and colleagues, you change job. Sounds simple? Not so in the kingdom of God, especially when your boss is your husband.

I am quite sick of myself having a mental breakdown. But I know that what I’m having is certainly not as bad as what Merv is feeling. I can put all my jadedness into a box and hide it under the bed, not wanting to think about it anymore, not so with Merv.

I know that I’m not the best partner out there, though one may think that I’m a great supporter to my husband etc, but I know that many times it’s just me wanting to do things my way, my comfortable way. It’s not pretty to hear this being said out, but I know that some parts are true.

Many times I think that it will be nice if I’m depressed. I just want to lie down on my bed and not doing anything. Just want to lie down and stone.
But I don’t think I can ever do it. I still got up, put on my make up, ready for work, spurring myself and my husband. That’s how God made me, and sometimes I curse myself for it.

God gives strength to the weary.
Gawd.. I need this.

drama craze

I should really dedicate a post on my drama addiction.

Recently, I have somehow started a non-stop roller-coaster of korean drama. Used to watch only the good ones once in a while (with the unforgettable Lee Junki in Time Between Dog & Wolf as my fave of all time). Then I stumbled across dramabeans and suddenly I am so interested in many different genre of drama and even read up on all the latest news of the stars.

Bridal Mask (Gaksital) is so awesome that it kinda snowballed to the rest. Was pretty impressed with Joo Won so I decided to watch Ojakkyo Brothers (which is awesome too btw). From then I’ve been reading countless recaps of other dramas.. and loving 1N2D the variety show.

Some worthy to be mentioned are School 2013 and Shut Up Flower Boy Band. How can you resist the bromance? The deep friendship between the guys are more heartwarming than any romance out there.

Now I am halfway through Warrior Baek Dong Soo. Started it because I really like Ji Chang Wook from that Bachelor’s Vegetable Store, but I ended up loving Choi Min Soo more. That old man is just plain cool and steal all the highlights from the drama.

Lastly, I really think that Seon Hwa & Yeon Hwa from IRIS/IRIS2 should be main characters of their own IRIS franchise. The sisters are so bad-ass that they will dominate any scene, especially Kim So Yeon. She rocks!

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